My Dad Showed Up On Our Doorstep

 Just a quick update.  Going to see dad today after a bit of a break.  He's not doing well.  I've been in contact with homecare and they cannot transfer his file to the local area homecare as he is unstable.  He continues to have behavior issues and outbursts.   Because home care cannot be transferred yet, they cannot get long term care involved either.  Which is what needs to happen to move him into a nursing home. Of course there are wait lists, another assessment (ffs) etc. It's all extremely frustrating and depressing honestly. Yesterday apparently he moved his bed into the hallway and was going to move down the hall.  Likely into his friends room. I've been at a breaking point for awhile and it's only going to get worse.  There is nothing I can do to help him or fix him.   Tonight we are going to visit after work.  I'm not looking forward to it at all. I get anxiety attacks on the way.  I really don't want to stay long, even though I feel a bit better a

 It's officially been one year since Dad moved back to Winnipeg.  It was an incredibly difficult year for all of us. I am thankful that he is being taken care of for the most part. We are still trying to figure out how to get back to who we were.  Somedays are easier than others. Daily financial matters weigh on my mind.  I spend a lot of time sighing.  It's hard to shut it off.  I don't want him to get evicted. But I also need to get my shit together. I think maybe this is my turning point.  He's safe for now.  Time to move on. One thing I would like to mention is that I feel extremely guilty when I don't see him during the week.  As well it seems everytime I go and see him he has some kinda of outburst.  I'm not sure if there is a correlation. Because of this guilt, if I know someone in the family has gone and seen him that week, it allows me to relax.  If you go and see him please let me know. This week my cousin is going to visit him, and my Mom as well.  

 In the last week we've got two calls to calm down dad.  Both of which my lovely wife dealt with.  For two reasons.  One she is closer.  Two I honestly can't fucking deal anymore. We are and will be always taking care of him. It seems weird to me that this is the case.  They want him as a zombie basically. From my lunch with him and some of Jens interactions in the last few days, dad can't leave anymore atleast not for awhile.  He keeps thinking he can just go for a "walk to the place , beyond the hill, to see the guy".   I can pick him up and take him back,but walking is out of the question.  As well having something to redirect him with just in case (doesn't matter what it is, newspaper a book, just have it in your car ready to distract). They called today and we didn't answer.  It was probably something that was nothing. That's 3 calls in four days. We are on call, as soon as he gets out of line.  It's no way to live. They say to care for someon

 I picked up Dad and we went for a walk to altos for a burger.  I called yesterday to let him know and he was waiting for me when I got there. He was very cheery and talkative.  We had a few good conversations.  I had to redirect him a bit (a skill I didn't know that I had).  He kept saying his foot was bugging him and that he would just go over the hill to the place to talk to the guy. I said I needed help carrying in a box for him from my truck.  I sneakily left it in there. Thankfully he forgot about the hill and the guy. I spoke with the aids and he is doing well.  I honestly think the hospital scared him a bit. I have to do some money arrangements and apply for subsidy there.  It would be nice if he can stay there for the time being.  It is quite expensive. Provided he is okay, etc.   We ordered a basic burger and they ended up bringing us a double!  He ate it all hahahha.

 I had my second attack in less than a week.  Dad was released today.  I spoke with the doctor this morning and it sounded like he was okay to go back to the home. Most of my morning was spent dealing with all this.  The nurses called multiple times while I was in the shower. I got out, spoke with them.  Then I went for a walk to try and calm down.  It didn't help.  All I thought about on my walk was having to pick him up and take him back to the "care" home.   When I got home there was another message on the phone. I emailed the home when I got back hoping they could deal with it.  No response. I listened to the message and called.  They wanted to know which pharmacy was his. I texted the home and asked if they could pick him up. I have this terrible pain in my chest from anxiety.  It's almost always there.   The nurse called at 11. "Hi your dad is ready to go.  How are you ?" Me "I'm fine....I'm on the verge of a anxiety attack.   How are you?

 I'm just not doing well at all.  I know it's too much to ask to have one day off where I can be at peace.   Dad update:  the hospital called today, he is doing well and they are transferring him back to the home. I am unsure what this means.  He has been taking his pills and there is a supply at the home for him. The home called: they are taking him back.  Conditionally.  Provided he takes his pills.  By the sounds of it , one more issue and he's out again.  Back to the hospital.  Never coming back. So I guess I get to wait again.  My hands are tied.  I may have to do all of this again very soon.  The good news is they will admit him right away. As is typical, I feel like my life is on pause.