My Dad Showed Up On Our Doorstep

Going to see Dad tomorrow night.  I'm at my witt's end with the fucking home.  He hasn't showered in almost 2 months.  He has been wearing the same clothes for almost as long.  They call me when he's not eating, or when he hasn't showered.  I had a one day break about a week ago, then got a call, played phone tag and worried for 5 days, finally got a hold of someone just to find out it is the same old story.  I had a conversation with the resident manager, and it looks like "they are going to make a decision in a month about moving him to long term care".   Honest opinion it's not going to happen.  I've been fucked twice already by LTC.  It will be the best thing for him.   The last assessment he had they deemed that he is "right where he is supposed to be".   I'm thinking that in the next month I am going to get calls basically daily.  I honestly think it's their MO to be doing this, waiting to see whose going t...

I went for a walk this morning.  I've been trying to do that daily, but there are days it just doesn't work.  It sometimes the only real peace that I get.  Yesterday was the first of two days off back to back in a long while.  It was an alright day, however as is typical Dad takes up a lot of space and time.  Which is fine, it just makes relaxing or really getting anything done difficult.   I do have a few brief updates that I'll do my best to explain:  Yesterday the nice lady from home care stopped by to sign the paperwork for what is called PHC. She asked a few questions about Dad's habits, drinking, wandering etc.  I was honest and said that he's been drinking a little less but it's hard to manage what he is upto when we are not home during the day.  The whole conversation was quite awkward due to him standing in the room with us.  We have two current possibilities for getting Dad better care than we can provide.  One of the...

I'm overwhelmed.  The loss of my dog is not helping the situation.  I'm slowly dragging my heels on things, because I'm worried about how my Dad is going to react.   We have started the paperwork to do home care, likely 3 times a week.  They would come in and make sure he eats and takes his pills.  My thought was mon-wed.  I'm home on thursday and the day program would be friday.  As well it looks like we are setup for a day program (well we will be when I make the call).  I am always making the calls.  To the point that I can't remember if I called someone or not.   The day program will be once a week.   It looks like we do not qualify for any respite whatsoever.  For the simple sake that he is extremely independent.  I know he is going to fight me on all of this.  And it fucking sucks.  Like it really fucking sucks.  Which is why I have difficulty making these calls.  I've got a meeting...

Yesterday we had our initial meeting with Mrs. V.  She's an amazing caring lady.  I had mentioned to Dad in the last few days that we were going to be having a meeting.  He always seems to think it's about me, and not him when I initially bring it up.   He asked why, and I said "they just want to come and check on us".   He was starting to get agitated again the closer we got to the meeting.  "I don't want to talk to that fucking lady again! What is this for?".  I reiterated the it being about checking on us.  I should note, he is talking about the assessment done by a Man when he says "fucking lady".  That was obviously traumatizing.  Mrs. V was quite amicable and they got along very well.  She did a bit of an assessment as well, and we talked about a lot of things.  Some stuff was previously covered.  I'm happy that we are getting a team built here.  This is good.  There is only so much Home Care can ...

We have all now been relegated to separate rooms of the house.  I am currently in the basement working on music.  My wife is in the bedroom reading a book.  Dad has know taken over the living room as his bedroom, due to his back hurting.   He doesn't have any empathy left.  He doesn't give one fuck about us or what we are doing, or if he is making anything difficult.  It's because he doesnt' know any better at this point.  I get it, honestly I do. Lord help us get thru the winter.   Apparently his back has been bugging him.  He blames it on the bed.  I'm going out to buy him a new mattress on Wednesday.  Another thing to do on Wednesday.   The other day I came home from work and he had big plans to put an old 2x4 he found in the backlane up on the ceiling of the basement so he could hang his tools.  you know "so we could get at them if we need them". I said to him, that I didn't really want to put anything u...

Most of last week was an utter shit show.  The combination of not being on anti depressants and drinking just left him in a terrible mood.  There was many little instances after the initial getting drunk in the basement incident (see last post).   It has gotten to the point where my wife doesn't even talk to him anymore.  I can understand why I've been having such a hard time with anxiety lately, specifically at work.  the whole "things are beyond your control" thing.   My wife wrote up the going's on from last week and sent it to the clinician.   Yesterday I finally got some good news.  Spoke with his doc, they are on it.  The WHRA is getting a plan in place.  Unfortunately I do not know all the details yet.  I also spoke with home care, and they are coming for an initial visit next week.  I am hoping so very much that he is okay with it and let's them in the house.  I think having someone else here knowing...

Just finished up a phone call regarding the assessment.  Dad is fairly independent although he does have advanced dementia at this point (although not confirmed officially).  Next step is for his doctor to do the official paperwork.  For the time being he will be staying with us, likely for another couple of years.  There are some housing options that are far to extreme for him currently, and other's that just have epic long wait lists.  Nursing homes are not the best option that is end of the line.  Assisted living is a good idea, but the wait lists are long and the places are expensive.  There are some options in really shitty parts of town.   Our best bet for the time being is to get some camera's and airtags (trackers) and a medic alert bracelet if he goes missing.  As far as our mental health there isn't really any options at this point, other than "put up and shut up".  Well not that extreme, but you get the gist.  Home c...

Yesterday we finally got the assessment done.  Well the preliminary version.  It's been six months.  A nice fellow came by our house and spoke with Dad for about 45 minutes.  It started off with medical history, and a few memory questions here and there.  I was on the fence about wether it should be all three of us, or only myself and Dad.  I decided it was in his best interest to just have me there.   Once we got past the preliminary questions, we moved on to memory questions.  While I was fully aware that he was having some troubles, when it's right in your face with a medical professional it becomes much more real.  Honestly these are easy questions.  Have you been married before (yes once, nope! twice actually Dad), what was your wifes name?  nothing.  Where are we?  What is the street address?  Nothing.  Who is this (points at me).  "That's my buddy!".  Yes but what is his name?  it start...

 I made some notes for the assessment folks, basic changes in the way he is.  I should note, this is rather depressing.  He gets fixated on something, and that is the only thing for a week or more.  At some point it changes to a new thing.  Examples include      • Using the phone, calling anyone in his phone book no matter that time of day (or day for that matter.  He calls people when they are at work).      • Trying to get a job.           ◦ Numerous times he’s gone to Fresh co, thinking he picked up an application, only to be sent home with a scene card membership form.       • Trying to sell his car.  (he doesn’t remember doing.  He believes the government took his license and car away).   He doesn’t know our names.  He thinks I am his brother.  He believes my wife is my sister somedays.  Other days just a relative.  He calls me “buddy...

We have finally booked the assessment.   My wife talked to the guy who will be doing it, and he seems very nice.  Having heard from a few other people this is an extremely difficult meeting.  I am on the fence as to wether it will just be Dad & I or, all 3 of us.  Part of me wants her there for my own sake.  However he seems to open up more when I'm the only one around.  I'm still thinking it over.  To a degree she has become the "bad guy".  Which is problematic.  She is the one that tells him to have a shower, change his underwear daily, etc.  There have been a few random arguments.  Just the other day he had made himself a fried egg sandwhich and then promptly washed the smoking hot frying pan.  Which warps it.  It's already super warped, so it's not going to get any worse.  I was sitting on the deck and overheard the conversation.  (mild argument).  This ended up with him going for a walk, and th...

Yesterday we went to the Doctor to possibly get a diagnosis.  Unfortunately that is not a doable situation, we need to get refer to MB health for an appointment.  The Dr told me he was going to make some calls and try and fast track it somehow.  Then he sent me off to get bloodwork done and an xray.  Of course, getting bloodwork done proved to be a big assed problem without a health card. I told Dad that we were going to the doc to talk to him about his sore knee that has been bugging him.  That worked wonders actually.  The doctor came and talked to me halfway thru the appointment.  Then sent dad home with some creme for his knee.  Magic. Someday's its really hard not to be frustrated.  Not just with the system, but daily life.  This morning I just wanted some peace and quiet.  That's not really do-able.  I don't think it will be for awhile in all honesty.   We get to the clinic to do the tests and the place is packe...

This week we have a doctor's appointment.  I'm hoping that he will be able to give me a diagnosis.  The last time we went we got a different doctor, and he refused to give a diagnosis.  Sighting jurisdiction.  When I first discussed with Dad's doctor, he was worried to the point that "they may have to take him away" right away. We just got back from camping and Dad did well by himself.  I actually had 2 days off back to back, and got some rest.  Although this morning I don't really feel that refreshed.  On Wednesday I am going to spend sometime on the phone with CRA trying to get his tax payments sorted out.  Fingers crossed that goes well.  I downloaded this wonderful book.  https://www.amazon.ca/Our-Turn-Parent-Experiences-Practical/dp/0307357139 Which has practical CANADIAN advice for dealing with caregiving.  Also the nice lady at the Alzheimer's society sent me a care package with a bunch of stuff I'm slowly reading.  One ...

I received a package from the Alzheimer's society last week, with plenty of great information.  I urge anyone going thru this to contact them and or go down and pick up all the stuff.  Trying to read a lot of this in front of him isn't really do-able.  Between work and home I don't have any time for anything.  I keep thinking I really need to plan one thing a week to look forward to.   As I already suffer from a variety of anxiety, depression and ADHD, this whole situation is magnifying it even more.   Dad has a weekly or bi-weekly fixation.  This week it's getting a job, last week the same thing.  When we were selling his car that was the fixation.  It's honestly hard to keep up with it somedays.  I'm banging my head against the wall.  I'm happy that I am slowly building a support network, people who call and talk to him and give us a break, people who pick him up.  That gives us an hour here or 15 minutes there to a...

A little while ago, Dad came home quite upset.  He believed his wallet had been stolen at the local bar.  He couldn't tell me if he was able to pay his bill.  He also told me a variety of versions of the event.  When he went back there the next day the waitress refused to serve him because "They don't legally serve people over 70".  Which was a bunch of BS.  My guess is that he made a fuss and was no longer allowed in there. It's a bit of a blessing in disguise as it's a grimy north end bar.   The issue was his debit/credit etc was all missing.  We stopped the visa card, got him a new debit (which he has now changed the pin code multiple times).  He can't use his old code, and can't remember any of the new ones.  I'm hoping to be able to see his bank and get me access to his account as well.  That's later this week. Thankfully we found most of his wallet possessions in a park close by.  I still don't know what exactly happ...

My Dad is an emotional guy, likely because of his Irish roots.  I am as well, although I don't cry that often.  My guess is because I've got a bit of stubborn Scottish in me as well.  Latetly I've cried a lot more.  Sometime it's little things, sometimes it's big things.  Like noticing day to day changes, helping him with things we've already talked about.   Confusion about events is one of those growing concerns.  What I find odd though, is he won't remember something we talked about yesterday, yet he will remember a fun event from a week ago?   Couple months back, possibly sometime in april maybe Dad woke up in the morning and he wasn't doing well.  I can tell when he's upset, I've lived with him for the better part of my life.   I asked him what was wrong, and he just started crying.  He said that he couldn't remember our names, that he had no idea who we are, but that he knows that we care for him and are taking c...

 I'm going to back track to the past few months and things that happened as time goes on.  While things are fresh I'll talk about them. The struggle to get a health card has taken months.  We got one rejection, and I've sent out more inquiries in hopes of moving forward.  I was told by the local health authorities that in order to get a diagnosis I need the card. Rock and a fucking hard place. While on vacation we spoke with our neighbor who suggested we goto emergency. Considering we are at our wits end, it seemed like a exemplary plan. We lie tell him we are going because of his sore knee and bad hearing. Eta on waiting was 13 hours.  He was ansy 35 minutes in.  There was no way it was going to work. Nurse triaged and confirmed dementia, him beating around the bush when asked questions.  He's sneaky.  Unfortunately confirmed during triage means nothing.  There was a strong likelihood of we stayed they would have admitted him to the psych wa...

 The first thing I did was started making a list of things I needed to do.  First thing was to get a power of attorney, which we were able to do fairly quickly. Selling the condo was the next on the list.  By the time he got here, there was an offer on the table.  Unfortunately it wasn't amazing but it was one less thing to worry about.   Lots of random zoom calls to finish paperwork and sending over signed documents via Purolator. Before the move in date I had to deal with the real estate agent and what to do with the leftovers in his place.  His favorite lazy boy (which he's forgotten about).  I paid a bunch of money to get his cowboy boots shipped to us.   He was only able to bring so much in the back of his car. Back to the list.  CRA, will, banking, change of address, forward mail, it goes on.  Thankfully I've got a lot checked off.  But there are still things outstanding. I started looking at places and booked a tour...

I knew my Dad was having some issues every time I talked to him.  It got to the point where I was worrying all the time and feeling anxious about calling him.  He was attempting to sell his condo but was having some difficulty.  I finally decided that enough was enough and I sent him a letter stating that I was very worried about him and that when he sold his condo I would come and pick him up.  Every time I talked to him he told me "oh it's sold I'm moving back to Manitoba".   I may post the letter at some point. He had mentioned that he was going to move in with his "cousin" (family friend of his).   I was worried he would just show up on her door step.  Instead he showed up on ours, one morning.  March 24th to be exact.  The first few weeks he was here, he was pretty tired and broken.  We spent a lot of time trying to get the condo sale dealt with, and jumping from thing to thing trying to get him into a place.  That's ...