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My current mental state is complete shit

 In the last day I've had multiple calls from the home.  Typically they leave these really quiet messages that sound very anxious like I need to call right fucking now.

I spoke with the home today after spending 20 minutes building myself up to make the call.

Dad update:  he's barely eating, looks like hell, refuses to shave, is sleeping often.

I attempted to book him in for a haircut but I think he refused.

I also believe that he has not let them touch his laundry in months.  

I have no idea when he last showered.

The last asked me to book an appointment with his doctor.

Took me another 20 minutes to call his doc. The office is closed today and tomorrow.

Next week I have another assessment for him.  I'm worried he's going to freak out and punch the guy.

I will likely have to take a day off work and take him to the doctor.  I'm sure they don't make house calls anymore.

The next time a doctor is coming to the home is October.

Of course his doctors office is on crazy corner.

Last night I couldn't sleep.  I spent about an hour writing his obituary in my head.  Planning his wake first thing this morning when I woke up at 5:15 am.

Worrying I will have to try and get him to shower.  Or basically haul him in there myself.  Worrying they are going to call me and say I have to do it because he keeps refusing everyone.

Worrying he's got an infection.

Constantly worrying.

I had an anxiety attack this morning.

I screamed at the top of my lungs.  

It didn't help.

Nothing helps.

Everything feels like my hands are tied.  

I've been waiting for a call from home care this morning as well.  I called left a message, he called back I missed it.  I called him back etc.

I wanted to talk what is going on right now and my worries about the next assessment.

Now I'm exhausted.  I can't get off the couch.


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