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Anxiety attack

 I had my second attack in less than a week.  Dad was released today.  I spoke with the doctor this morning and it sounded like he was okay to go back to the home.

Most of my morning was spent dealing with all this.  The nurses called multiple times while I was in the shower.

I got out, spoke with them.  Then I went for a walk to try and calm down.  It didn't help.  All I thought about on my walk was having to pick him up and take him back to the "care" home.  

When I got home there was another message on the phone.

I emailed the home when I got back hoping they could deal with it.  No response.

I listened to the message and called.  They wanted to know which pharmacy was his.

I texted the home and asked if they could pick him up.

I have this terrible pain in my chest from anxiety.  It's almost always there.  

The nurse called at 11.

"Hi your dad is ready to go.  How are you ?"

Me "I'm fine....I'm on the verge of a anxiety attack.   How are you?" (Crying).

We decided that the hospital would arrange a taxi.

I texted the home and was told the following

He CANNOT arrive by taxi

His Meds must be here before he arrives!

At this point I am no closer to calming down.

My morning is fucked.  

I can't do this anymore.

I booked another therapy session.

Nothing absolutely nothing helps at all.  Therapy didn't, booze doesn't, smoking doesn't.  I can't get my mind off it .  Walking helps sometimes.

I spoke with everyone and arranged for the home to pick him up.  I am 40 minutes away and they are six minutes.

So the last two days have been hell.  If he has another episode I will have to pick him up again.  

The last three weeks on my days off I spend most of them dealing with this or distracting myself.  

I don't recover, I don't feel any better.  If anything I'm more anxious when I go back to work because nothing is in my control at all.

I need help.  Not just from my wife.  I need to not be here.  I can't keep this cycle going.  

I can't keep worrying.

I can't keep sitting and waiting.

I can't talk to this fucking home.

I can't talk to doctors anymore that are not doing anything.

I can't keep pretending I am okay.  The candle is burning at both ends.

I fully understand that this is extremely selfish.  I also understand that everyone says take care of yourself.

How?

Phone is ringing all morning and it hasn't stopped since he got here.

The only time I sleep is when I pass out.


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